387 days ago I wrote my first post on this blog. This blog was supposed to be a platform to get my writing to the world. After all, it only took me 36.5 years to figure out I wanted to be a writer. I didn’t want to wait any longer, it was time to put myself out there. It felt vulnerable and exciting.
Not long after starting my new resolution did I realize the power writing would have in my life. Not only did I finally understand the euphoria others receive from, say, working out, but the endorphins released themselves inside me to give me something else, too.
My entire life I’ve struggled with feeling like an outcast. I’ve never really fit in anywhere, and I’ve always, always, always thought I was never enough. I needed to change, or conform to the world around me. If I conformed, I convinced myself I would be happier because life would be much easier.
Only the opposite actually happened. Trying to conform and fit in, to be liked by people who didn’t really love me made my heart hurt even more. I questioned my purpose and my desire to continue. What was the point? Feelings of abandonment swept over me every day for several months. It was like I was invisible to everyone – whether or not it was true, my perceptions made it feel so. To complicate it even more, I felt God had abandoned me too. It was the opposite of what I knew to be true – He isn’t with me, everyone is against me – and I didn’t know what to do.
So, I wrote. I cried. I wrote some more. And a beautiful thing happened. The emotions, pain, hurt and wrong thoughts were released from my body with every letter I pressed in my computer. As I start this year, there is a lot less weight on my shoulders and a lot more life in my spirit.
Just over a year ago, I was led to write, so I could express myself in a way that I would not have been able to otherwise. That expression led to a renewing of my mind. A transformation of my heart and soul. And the strength to walk away from conformity.
May 2017 give each of you the strength & freedom to live as an outcast too.
Until next time –