Oh, dear. I just got into a heated debate with my husband. Those are always enjoyable -Sigh. Wink. Sigh. If you know my husband, you know he and I are not very similar. We think very differently about things – all the time.
This evening was no different. Of course, it started out all innocent, like it always does. But, then – WHAM! Something touched a nerve and I went into my rant. I spilled the beans, as they used to say. My husband learned something new about me. After 14 years together, it seems crazy to think he didn’t know. But, then I realized, I really didn’t know either.
Ever since I figured out that I wasn’t who I thought I was, I’ve been questioning all parts of my life and myself. The last few months, I’ve been unloading my TRUE thoughts and emotions about things and reading up on areas I’ve always felt ‘ashamed’ to explore. That’s when I decided to admit, I’m not a conformist. In my view, conforming is compromising. I’ve done way too much compromising in my life. Just read my post from the other day. HERE.
In the words of Erich Fromm –
Indeed, this life of compromise, this “outgoing” life, is the life of imprisonment, selflessness and depression.
YEP – my biggest problem is – I don’t conform. The rebel inside me actually goes against the norm, just out of spite. I get left out of things because I don’t quite fit in with the crowd. Making friends is hard for me. (I prefer to think of myself as a trendsetter, not a trend follower!) As soon as what I like becomes popular, I change modes. I cannot stand to be like everyone else.
Because of this, I am not cool. I’m probably seen as a snob, or annoying. Finding my ‘peeps’ get more and more difficult through the years – I’m sure you can imagine with my lifestyle of moving all the time; and, getting older. Plus, I like to discuss real issues, things that matter. I don’t like to shoot the bull and talk about the weather. (Unless it’s messing up my hair. And Hamburg weather usually messes up my hair.)
I realize this new blog will not be as accepted as my old one. My old one fit into a trend. This one, not so much. Even in blogging, I’ve decided to refrain from following the rules. I’m making my own rules. My rules say to write, to do whatever the heck I want. Before, I wanted to be popular. I wanted to fit into mainstream, and I wanted my blog and business venture to be a success – whatever that meant. Now? I just don’t care. This blog is for me. It is meant to help me find myself, where I belong and what the hell I’m going to do in our next assignment. IF I make it to the next assignment. Wink.
If you are here, I am very happy to share my thoughts with you. It makes it more exciting. But, if you aren’t here, and most days you aren’t, I’m okay with that, too. I refuse to let my ‘click count’ define success. My success through this blog will be determined at the end of the year – have I made peace with myself, who I am and what I will do in 2017? If I can answer those questions – then this year and this blog will be a success. If not, then I did it all wrong, because I cared too much about you and not enough about me.
Reason requires relatedness and a sense of self. If I am only the passive receptor of impressions, thoughts, opinions, I can compare them, manipulate them – but I cannot penetrate them. Descartes deduced the existence of myself as an individual from the fact that I think. I doubt, so he argued, hence I think; I think, hence I am. The reverse is true, too. Only if I am I, if I have not lost my individuality in the IT, can I think, that is, can I make use of my reason. (The Sane Society, Erich Fromm)
Until next time –