And so, she snickers…

It’s Day 89 and I’m still writing.  I admit I haven’t written every single day as I promised I would.  At least not online.  Some days I work only behind the scenes.  But, some days, I simply give up and don’t write.  It’s hard to write something new every 24 hours.  Some days, my head just hurts.

That’s why I thought the project idea would help me.  Not only because I LOVE projects, but because they could extend over time and become little mini-series – giving me some practice on longer works.  You know, to gear up for that BIG BAD NOVEL I plan on writing one day.

Ba ha ha!

Don’t worry, I laugh at myself too.

Not because I don’t think I won’t do it.  I actually do think I will do it.  But, I’m not sure that I will do anything with it.  What’s the point, then, right?

Well, my quiet and invisible audience, let me tell you.  The point is, really, just to write.  That’s it.  That’s all I set out to do.  For awhile there I let myself get distracted thinking I was / had something special.  A gift of some sorts.  I purchased the Writer’s Market book, started a list of contests to enter, potential publishers I could submit to, and even typed up all the ideas for stories I had generated in my head.

Then, I was reminded that I am one small pea in a pond of millions.  And, that getting published wasn’t my goal this year.  I packed up that dream for another time and got back to my original purpose of this blog – writing to heal and find myself.

The intention of my latest project, The Dangers of Self-Actualization: An Evaluation of Needs for the Modern Trailing Spouse, is to help me come to terms with my decision and choice to follow my husband as he pursues his career.  It’s been 13 years.  I feel a little shafted.  Yeah, I can’t deny it hasn’t been a challenge, and that my unwillingness to make any further sacrifices / compromises make me doubt my good-will and loyalty as a wife.  But, the bigger reason I find myself pursuing this research is to answer the BIG question – can I continue?

Can I continue putting my American dream and goals to the side?  Can I find the Peace that passes all understanding and continue to be the rock and support for someone else?   As of today, I can’t answer that.  I’d like to think I have what it takes to deny my selfish ambitions, but I’m not sure I do.  So, I started reading.  Looking for an answer that wasn’t there.  My new project allows me to research and find my own solution.  Tailor-made, with passion and rigor.  Allowing myself to let my thoughts, curiosity and need for answers guide my quest is doing something inside my soul.  It’s cleansing it, and it’s preparing it to share a personal, empowering story of survival.

While I started the research because I needed to validate myself, my life and my ‘expertise,’ I’m quickly learning what I need to do when I’m finished finding the science and forming the interpretation of the data.  I have to share it with other trailing spouses that may also feel the same way.

After holding on to the idea for months, I couldn’t bring myself to open up and share what I’d been doing.  I held back for a few different reasons.  While much of my preliminary research was already complete, and I had a firm understanding of the subject, I couldn’t bring myself to share my idea out of fear of rejection; or worse, backlash.  Then, about a week ago, I finally went for it.  The gust of courage I needed slapped me upside the head and moved my finger across the keyboard to press the ‘publish’ button.

And, guess what?

Nothing happened.

Not a damn thing.

Maybe one person viewed my work last week.

All that fear of rejection and backlash for nothing.  All that fear that no one would care, that I’d make a fool of myself.  Well, I found out no one did care, and guess what?  I didn’t care that no one cared.  How about that?!

Now, I’m not done with my research just yet.  So, if you have been avoiding my blog to avoid my ‘intellectualism’, you will just have to come back a little bit later!  (Wink)  I’m just getting to the good stuff, and finding more and more material to read.

Until next time  –

Simply live,

Carla

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “And so, she snickers…

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