I’m sorry. Relief instantly flooded my body once I apologized to myself. The amount of pressure I’d been holding on my shoulders was lifted. Optimism rushed through my thoughts and adrenaline through my veins.
For better or for worse, I am one of those people that believe everything happens for a reason. Revisiting my daughter’s birth was not an easy thing to do. But, I can see now that I’ve made it through the story, it was necessary for me to remember what I went through and how I felt at that moment. Without that realization, all the events, thoughts, emotions and actions that followed the traumatic experience wouldn’t have near as much power.
By power, I mean, power to understand what happened and why I was currently confused and distressed. When the idea to write this story approached me, I initially thought it would be one post. Just a little background piece about me and who I am. But, when I started thinking about it, I couldn’t do the story justice in only a few words. As I retraced the events to find the beginning, I mentally traveled backwards over the last decade my life. When I finally reached the beginning of the story, I was shocked.
Shocked by the fact I hadn’t given any time for introspection in many years. Especially since it’s a necessary component to a life well-lived. It’s easy to identify the what of a situation. Determining how I feel about a particular scenario comes naturally to me. But, digging deeper and asking the WHY? was never explored.
These few weeks of getting real with myself offer such encouragement for my future. I can finally say, “there are brighter days ahead,” and mean it with my whole being. It’s no longer a saying of trickery to mask the pain the of the past. Telling the story of my high-risk pregnancy healed and sealed a hole in my heart. Most people I’ve met over the years don’t even realize I ever lived in Ghana, because it’s not a tour or a time I tend to talk about much. I talk about Germany, Uzbekistan, Albania and my husband’s unaccompanied tour. But, thinking about Ghana inevitably brought memories I didn’t want to have to mind. It was easier to avoid than to confront and move through them.
Today, I feel like a champion and master of my memories. While this story started with tough love, it ended with a tender apology. That’s life. MY LIFE!
Until tomorrow –
photo credit – pixabay.com