Remember the other day when I wrote a post about how moving on is different than moving through? I think I’m about to eat my words. I’m really kind of ready to move on from this story, to wrap it up nicely and get on with some other, more ‘creative’ writing.
Thanks to coffee breaks with some GREAT friends this week, I’ve had some epiphanies about my story. Part of the reason for starting the story was because I thought it should be told. And part of the reason for starting it is simply because I needed to know what I thought and how I felt about the last ten years of my life.
When I realized in October that not only did I think I had the imposter syndrome (as they like to call it), but I really was a fraud. I realized that my over-giving nature did not make me qualified, or even the best person, to start a gifting business. Much less offer advice on the ‘proper’ way to give and be generous.
Last night, I got a nice little email from Facebook. They said I had some memories to look back on – you know what I’m writing about! Most of the time, I delete and don’t look, but yesterday I was feeling a little nostalgic. Earlier in the day, I posted a photo on Instagram of some tulips I bought this week. Ironically, one year ago yesterday, I had put together a DIY Flower Gift with some tulips and posted the photo on Facebook. It’s one of my favorite arrangements I’ve ever made. That led me to take a look at my old blog, and read some of my old wisdom.
I shared my tulip arrangement post and the story of my gift memoir with one of the friends I had coffee with this week. It was quite profound that my greatest gift story I had to share was not about the grandmother I wrote about yesterday. Not the one that was such an influential role model that I emulated. Not the one that spurred the idea of creating a unique gifting experience for others. NOPE. Not at all. My greatest gift story was from my other grandmother, the austere grandmother that had little to give, but gave with impact.
I’ve been meditating on that thought and how to proceed with the rest of this story. That has shaken me up the last few hours. At it’s core, my writing is about learning. Learning to improve. And improving ourselves comes with a hefty price tag. Most of the time, I’m too aloof to take the time necessary to think about my perceptions and if they are accurate or clouded with sentiment. As time goes by, the mastering of my memories becomes harder to accomplish because the cloud gets bigger and my perceptions become my ‘reality.’
My previous life as The Gift Curator was fun and a distraction to the real work that I needed to do. But, in the end, it turns out it was a catalyst and necessary part of the story. Had I not taken the plunge to assert myself in the world of social media and the blogosphere, I never would have given so much of myself that I was completely depleted. Being depleted, I need to recharge myself, and asked others to join me in a 28-Day Journey to Renewing our Spirit of Giving – right before the big Christmas shopping season,of course.
During that journey, I taught myself a lot about things. I gave myself a different and broader perspective of what it takes to give with a generous and healthy spirit. I taught myself the basics of gratitude and forgiveness and what it really means to make a difference. I learned that I needed to pull myself back from the innate need to be affirmed and esteemed through giving ‘things.’ I saw my weak points of giving and how I needed to give more of myself through actions – being a good friend, listening, offering support and encouragement through words, etc.
While I no longer thought of myself qualified to be The Gift Curator, I did realize my writing is about teaching me what I need to know. Inside this amazing brain, it knows what my spirit needs and it’s trying to take the blinders off my eyes so I can see things clearly. I know I don’t have all the answers. I don’t even think I have some of the answers. And, if I am honest, I accept I am slow at absorbing the information when I do find answers.
When I read through my old blog posts last night, I found myself in awe. If only I had paid more attention to what I was typing,…
For those of you that have been with me from the start, you know this year’s word is CHANGE. I’m all about the change this year, and I’m not talking about pennies. (Wink) I’m talking about the silver dollar of change. From now on, when I write, instead of worrying about whether or not what I write is acceptable or relevant for the blog world, I am going to look at my words and what message they have for me.
My old blog was all about garnering support from my friends and family to push forward a business venture and spread a message. I worked tirelessly trying to make connections and offering free advertising for other businesses. At many times, I felt used and abused. I felt like what I gave was a lot more than what I ever received. My spirit of giving was broken. One of my old sayings was – our giving is affected and reflected by the hurt held in our hearts.
I think it’s time for me to forgive. And, I’m not really talking about forgiving the other business owners that I felt took advantage of my giving nature. It’s not about forgiving the friends that didn’t support me, or only ‘fake’ supported me through it all. I did that in October during the 28-Day Journey. I’m talking about forgiving myself. When it comes down to it, that’s who I’m mad at and feel hurt by the most. As hard as it is to admit and to sound so selfish, but, sweetheart, it’s about me. I’m disappointed in my failure to see myself for who I am.
In order to move through that disappointment, I needed CHANGE. I needed to get out of the gifting circle I trapped myself into and discover ME. If my perception was not my reality, I had to find a way to reconcile my hurt. That’s how I got to where I am today. That’s how the formation of a new blog and a new chapter in my life started.
Sure, I could ramble on and on and spend a few more weeks writing about the precursors that led to this point. I could shock you with details of how I almost committed suicide, irrationally yelled at my husband that “I NEED THIS FOR ME,” as I enrolled in an accounting program. I could go further into the story and disclose how going back to school in an online environment helped me gain the confidence I needed to sign up for social media accounts and learn how to start a blog. Or, I could bore you with all kinds of little stories from over the years.
But, really, it’s not important. I’m writing my own story behind the scenes because THAT is what’s important. I’m here. I’ve survived and I’m doing something about my future. Moving through is admitting to myself that I wronged myself. That’s what I needed to learn when I started this tale. AMEN!
Don’t you love when things come full circle?
Just as I yelled at my husband about starting a new degree, I am now yelling at myself, “I NEED THIS FOR ME.” SO THAT’S WHAT THIS IS. This blog is about me and my writing. It’s about me projecting and telling myself what I need to hear because what’s going on inside is so much different than what is seen on the outside.
Remember the quote from the book, The Ocean at the End of the Lane, I mentioned in my post the other day?
Nobody actually looks like what they really are on the inside…People are more complicated than that.
I don’t want to be so complicated. I want to smile because I’m happy on the inside, not because I want you to think I’m happy. I want to be comfortable calling myself a writer, a giver, a fighter, a trailing spouse or whatever title I decide after this year. Maybe I just want to go back to being called Carla. What’s so wrong with that? Do I have to qualify myself with little initials after my name or some long description of accomplishments?
I like Carla. So, let’s start there.
Until tomorrow –