Day 41: Time to Rant

So far, this journey has helped me come to terms with a few things personally.  Apparently, I have some repressed anger issues that I need to deal with pretty soon.  Ugh. I hate confrontation and I hate getting angry.  I hold on to my anger until I can’t anymore, and then I explode.

This year, I’ve realized there has been some major things I’ve suffered in silence about for way too long.  And, there are some things that are more recent that are popping up in my writing that make me want to tackle them as well.

But, I want to do it in a healthy and productive way.  I don’t want to just send out my frustrations into the world without knowing how I feel about it and how I can make it better.

My plan:

First, order the book, Writing as a Way of Healing, written by Louise DeSalvo.  Second, read it and take notes!  Third, tackle each issue one at a time in an organized, methodical fashion while also taking care of myself during the process.

I’ve accomplished step one and half of step two.  So, before I start step three, I thought I should make a list of all my current rants.

  • Learning my idealized and idolized version of my grandmother has been inaccurate for much of my life.  While mourning her death, I went overboard and started working towards creating my own business, CrowningGifts.com.  Last Fall, after an intense 28-day personal pilgrimage, I realized the faults of my grandmother and the impact they’ve had on my outlook and the decisions I make on a regular basis.  These decisions have not only effected myself, but my family too.  What damage has been caused by my decisions?  How do I rectify the situation and define myself from this point?  How do I move forward? Journey with me towards a path of healing.
  • Making the decision to become a Trailing Spouse has led to feelings of inferiority, suppression, oppression and worthlessness.  Ironically, these are many of the very issues our Human Rights officers fight against for women around the globe.  The system and bureaucracy of the government as leader at the top of the chain sets the tone for embassies around the world.  That tone defines me as an EFM – an eligible family member.  Eligible for what?  Someone that is ‘eligible’ for benefits; I simply meet the requirement to receive something.  I can check the box, receive and not be expected or required to do anything.  I honestly believe this mentality and way of doing ‘business’ leads to an attitude within the State Department that I (as an EFM) have nothing to offer the organization and that I should be happy and lucky to receive what I do.  I REJECT that.  The result of this led me to discover the suppression created by the Department and the inability to reach my full potential.  The lack of loyalty shown to me as an individual over the years, leads me to simply oblige and approach this issue from an extraneous view point.  With 13 years of experience and treatment, I pretty much lack the empathy needed to continue to suffer in silence.  In fact, I want restitution and I want consideration.  How do I deal with my feelings of anger for a system that provides so much for my family (materialistically speaking)?  How do I go beyond the idea that living with an attitude of gratitude also means I must suffer in silence?  How do I intelligently debate my idea and fight for my right to be respected? Read my response, The Dangers of Self-Actualization: An Evaluation of Needs for the Modern Trailing Spouse.
  • Growing up with a pretty conservative religious background, my libertarian and free-spirited self never really fit in the group.  I did my best to ‘conform’ to the rules and expectations, but never made it 100%.  When I went off to college, I found freedom of choice overwhelming and didn’t attend church for a few years.  I’ve never rejected the idea that God exists.  I firmly believe there is a higher power and I believe that Jesus is real and died for my sins.  However, the hurt and pain that has been associated with rejection and isolation over my lifetime has led me to use extreme caution and hold back from helping or involving myself in religious organizations.   The further isolation I’ve felt over the years as a Trailing Spouse has caused additional pain, furthering the idea that I am not even worthy of friendship.  Does this make me mad at God, for assigning me a lonely life?  Or, am I mad at myself for agreeing to become a Trailing Spouse and leaving behind those that loved me and already knew me?  Am I angry at my loved ones for not continuing to love me in the same capacity long-distance?  Exactly who am I angry with and how will I change my attitude?  Does forgiveness show weakness?  Is constant forgiveness causing me to suffer in silence until I die?  Am I truly forgiving?  Can I forgive and also find a solution to improve the overall health and situation I’m in? Read more about my commitment to Livin’ by Forgivin’.

 

Q:  What have I learned about myself in these three situations?  How do they relate to one another?  How can I reconcile my feelings without losing myself in the process?

Oh.  Deep breath.  I feel better already.  Just knowing I have my thoughts out of my head will help me move forward and heal myself though writing.

Until tomorrow –

Simply live,

Carla

2 thoughts on “Day 41: Time to Rant

  1. sgerock says:

    Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I am envious of your bravery. There are many things I wish I could share publicly and, for a variety of reasons, I cannot. It is so cool that your writing has helped you realize all of this!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thedailytrance says:

      Oh I don’t know if I’m being brave or a fool! It helps me to remove myself from the idea that an audience is out there. Once that happens I want to delete or edit. Ha. But I do hope others can relate to the struggles and not feel so isolated. If I didn’t start this blog I don’t think I would be sticking with it. You help keep me accountable – no matter what I’m thinking or feeling I committed to writing every day. Thanks for sticking with me! And I pray that you will find a productive and creative way to express yourself publicly too. It helps to heal through connection.

      Like

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