Don’t be my friend.

Do you ever feel like you are the worst friend in the world?  That you just aren’t giving your pals the love and support they need?  But, you feel helpless to change the situation?

That’s me.  Straight up.

Friendship failure, right here.  Don’t count on me to be there when you need someone.  It’s not because I don’t care, or that I don’t love you.  It’s because there’s this little voice in my head telling me I don’t matter and nothing I say or do will make any difference in your life, or my own, for that matter.

So, I sit idly by watching you, hurting for you and wanting it all to get better.  I might say, “I’ll pray for you.”  And, I do.  A lot.  But, I still see pain in your eyes and I think, “God, do my prayers not matter either?”

And, then there are your big life moments that I miss.  Regularly.  Weddings, birthdays, promotions, childbirths, I miss it all.  All the time.  I wonder, how can you even call me a friend?  What benefits do you receive by keeping me in your life?

Just this week, I was slammed with another failure.  A dear friend, who has always been so great to me, sent me a package.  A wonderful Christmas package.  Somehow, with all the miles and an ocean between us, she knew exactly what to send me, just like always.

I instantly became mad at myself.  I couldn’t even remember if I sent her a Merry Christmas message or a Happy New Year text.  What is wrong with me?  Oh, and yeah, I realized that I never even sent her wedding gift, and she was married in September.

Don’t even try to make me feel better.  There is NO EXCUSE.  I have plenty of time to take care of this stuff.  I simply chose not to.  Like many other things in my life, when I don’t want to deal with the truth of my situation, I start avoiding anything and everything that is in connection with it.

My dear, sweet, wonderful friends – when I behave like this, please know one thing.  It has nothing to do with you.  But, everything to do with my deepest insecurities as a friend/woman/wife/mother/daughter/sister/aunt/niece/human/etc/etc/etc & my own challenges in life.  Please forgive me.  

And, please remind me –

Every flower must grow through dirt. 

Until tomorrow –

Simply live,

Carla

photo credit: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/cb/5e/c4/cb5ec4e9d25aebcd9092c2aae72e6d53.jpg

quote: Laurie Jean Sennott

2 thoughts on “Don’t be my friend.

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